21st April 2018

Saturday is our family's designated Skype night. It's often short conversations with alternating ten minutes of silence in between, but I've always believed that if you're comfortable enough with someone, silence won't bother you.

When my father asked how I was doing, and that I looked stressed, I told him about how empty I've been feeling. I have a high GPA and...that's it. That is all I have going for me in the past eight months. I felt like I needed to be more productive outside the classroom. Joining clubs, getting a job, making new friends...making my college year a more enriching experience. But my fear of the unfamiliarity and change has held me back from pursuing these ventures.

I expected him to say something along the lines of 'stop dilly-dallying, you just have to bite the bullet and do it'. Instead, he said coming to America to study an engineering degree is more than what many people can even dream of doing, and that I should be proud of being able to pull it off so far. But to me, it doesn't seem like a big deal. I'm constantly surrounded by people who have also left their home country to pursue tough degrees in America, yet are able to thrive outside the classroom too. It makes me feel like I'm lagging behind.

You are good enough. I am. I really am. I believe that satisfaction is important for our mental health, and that pushing yourself too hard will only kill you inside. But 'enough' for me won't be enough in the competitive environment I'm in, and that I just have to adapt if I choose to be a cut above the rest. Maybe when my brother said satisfaction is toxic to success, his words held some truth.

"It's amazing how much you've changed," my dad remarked. A huge part of me disagreed, but I wondered if it's because I refuse to accept the fact that I have changed, more than whether he is factually correct. I think that's just who I am. I hate change.