Saturday, April 28, 2018

27th April 2018

Friday.

When Spring quarter started, there was a large number of Malaysian students who got added into our Whatsapp group, so the seniors decided to hold a gathering in the evening at one of their apartment rooftops. They bought pizzas and canned drinks, and the twenty of us who came just huddled up in small groups, chatting and getting to know one another.

I got to talk to two new girls, Megan and Xuan, a lot. They are basically what you would imagine people who spend hours on the internet reading memes and watching anime would be like. Geeky, but fun to hold conversations with. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with someone well-versed in the internet world. They were from the same primary school in Penang, and didn't know they were in the same college almost 5 years later until this quarter. We talked about sexuality and geeked over Anime and internet jokes. I think Kelly must have been surprised because I've never mentioned being into these kind of things with her before.

Megan mentioned wanting to start a Biochemistry Club, so Wayne told her she could just take over the Chemistry Club since the entire Board of Directors were transferring after the quarter. "Having a club will look really good on your resume," he said, "but of course, don't just do it for the resume, you know. It's really fun and a good experience."

Kei was there, and he told me about his plans to start a Malaysian-Singaporean club in college. "But Dash keeps wanting to make it a South-East Asian thing," he said. Dash is another Malaysian who wasn't there. Kei wants to keep it exclusive, and hopes that the club should be ready to go by the time we came back from summer break. We talked about his Supreme reselling business, him lagging behind in math and wanting me to tutor him, and his 'white girlfriend', who is actually just a friend. Kelly had told me what others have told her, that the girl has a boyfriend back home in Russia, and Kei and her were indeed just 'friends'. How true that is, I don't know, but as much as I like knowing things about people, I've decided to not meddle too much.

At some point we moved down to the clubhouse because the rooftop was windy and cold. Kelly and I played pingpong with Chris, Michael, Shan, and Hui Min. We kept laughing about how bad we were, with Kelly treating it more like badminton and Hui Min treating it more like dodgeball.

Then all twenty of us moved on to play Avalon, using poker cards as character and voting cards. We played the same game during the Chinese New Year gathering three months ago, but Wayne had to explain it again to the newcomers. A lot of shouting ensued. Jason kept trying to convince everyone he was the good guy. Shan and Darren telling everyone not to trust him. People accusing each other of having a black card and people being fake-offended at the amount of distrust roommates of three years could have of each other. It was all in jest, of course. We played three rounds. At 10pm we finally wrapped up and headed home. Louise, who is roommates with Michael, offered to take Megan and I home. We talked some more in the car.

I had so much fun, but when I got home, I started having that weird empty feeling again. Getting together like this with a group of friends is something that only happens often until college ends, and that after real adulthood starts getogethers like this will be scarce and far in between. I felt like I should be having fun times like this more often while I'm young. But the fact that I am not, makes me feel like my social life isn't where I would like it to be.

This quarter would be the last quarter the seniors will be here. Shan, Wayne, Mira, Rachel, Yvonne and Ming. I've known them for three quarters, but I had fond impressions of them. I played basketball with Shan and Wayne, and despite me being terrible at it, they encouraged me to not sit out during games. "That's how you improve, you know. By playing more. you'll get better," Wayne had said. Shan told me he was bad at basketball too, but I told him because of his height, he was considered an asset to any team he played with.

Rachel and Mira has Physics lecture before my Physics lab. I ran into them yesterday, and we talked a bit. "You got an A for Physics 4A?" Mira said, almost gawking. "I know like, only one other Malaysian who has ever gotten an A for that class."

"Huh, really?"

"Aish, smart people like you, can lah." Rachel said, sort of teasing me. I really think the reason I got an A for that class was because the professor favored me, or something twisted like that. I just smiled. Somehow Mira told Candace about it today, and Candace approached me about how to do well in that Physics class. "I really don't know how I did it."  I said. I really don't.

Ming is Candace's boyfriend. I didn't talk to him much, but from what I know he is a pleasant guy to be around, and had an air of maturity and responsibility to him. I was hoping Game of Thrones would be brought up at some point, then we could have at least had a conversation. He did say my onde-onde was really good during the Chinese New Year party. Yvonne I only met last quarter, and she is such a joy. She always greeted everyone with a smile and a hug, and could talk to you for hours on end. She also always picked up after everyone, and reunited loose belongings with their owners.

I am going to miss them. I don't know them that well, but I am going to miss them. Who would carry the group forward without them around? Where would we even host future events, now that the seniors won't be around for us to use their apartment clubhouse? I couldn't think of anyone else after them who have the aptitude to organize events. It felt scary to think about it. It felt scary to think that responsibility might rest on me.



21st April 2018

Saturday is our family's designated Skype night. It's often short conversations with alternating ten minutes of silence in between, but I've always believed that if you're comfortable enough with someone, silence won't bother you.

When my father asked how I was doing, and that I looked stressed, I told him about how empty I've been feeling. I have a high GPA and...that's it. That is all I have going for me in the past eight months. I felt like I needed to be more productive outside the classroom. Joining clubs, getting a job, making new friends...making my college year a more enriching experience. But my fear of the unfamiliarity and change has held me back from pursuing these ventures.

I expected him to say something along the lines of 'stop dilly-dallying, you just have to bite the bullet and do it'. Instead, he said coming to America to study an engineering degree is more than what many people can even dream of doing, and that I should be proud of being able to pull it off so far. But to me, it doesn't seem like a big deal. I'm constantly surrounded by people who have also left their home country to pursue tough degrees in America, yet are able to thrive outside the classroom too. It makes me feel like I'm lagging behind.

You are good enough. I am. I really am. I believe that satisfaction is important for our mental health, and that pushing yourself too hard will only kill you inside. But 'enough' for me won't be enough in the competitive environment I'm in, and that I just have to adapt if I choose to be a cut above the rest. Maybe when my brother said satisfaction is toxic to success, his words held some truth.

"It's amazing how much you've changed," my dad remarked. A huge part of me disagreed, but I wondered if it's because I refuse to accept the fact that I have changed, more than whether he is factually correct. I think that's just who I am. I hate change.

Monday, April 23, 2018

13th April 2018

Friday.

Took some pictures on the way to school today.

Cat.


Had dinner with Kelly and her uncle again. We were always made to pray before digging in, which is something I'm not used to doing in restaurant. It's not something I mind, I just imagine it's awkward for those around us to see us practising our religion so openly in public. It's not even really our religion, it's Kelly's uncle's. Kelly is a Buddhist, and I'm more on the agnostic side.





Sunday, April 22, 2018

12th April 2018

Thursday.

The first week of Spring quarter is almost ending. Something about having to change routines, classes, and professors every three months just irks me. I like routine, believe it or not. I hate having to adjust to a new format of life just when I was starting to get used to the old one.

This quarter, I maxed out the number of units I could take but fortunately, my class hours are a lot more tolerable. No more 7.30AM classes and ending at 10PM.

My political science professor is a short, stubby mixed-Asian lady in her late twenties who is way too enthusiastic to be teaching a group of soul-dead college students. Regardless, I appreciate her efforts to make and be relatable. Her buoyant, exuberant personality is needed to balance out the gloom and angst in the room. As an introduction, she showed us a commercial video she shot for Honda years ago that showed her driving her and her friends in costumes to cosplay conventions. She talked about coming from the safest city in the world - Stockton - and taught political science for many years before moving here to the Bay Area with her husband whom she has been with for twelve years. During lessons, she would bounce around the classroom while talking in this almost ghetto-way, her voice easily echoing across the classroom.

"Do y'all know why Wednesday is my favorite day of the week?" she asked, which she did almost every Wednesday from then on out. The class, as usual, remained unresponsive to this rhetorical(?) question.

"Cause it means we're closer to Fridays." she said. "And y'all know I love Fridays." Then at some point during lessons, she would emphasize again, in case we didn't already know, how much she loves food. "It's only 9.45am now but I'm already thinking about lunch." she says. "Then when it's lunch, I think about dinner. Y'all know I just love food."

My English writing professor is a slim, soft-spoken, and kind lady with fashion tastes similar to mine.  During the first week, she made it a point to memorize all of our names, and would go down row by row trying to recall each and every of our names at the beginning of lessons. When she teaches, she would sometimes burst into spouts of laughter after saying certain things.

"So yes, back then in rural America, men weren't very...privy of women's physical boundaries." she said with a tinge of awkwardness and consideration, and does her small, yet radiant laugh. She is just so precious, but she also made us read passages from the novel out loud in class, individually.

I have the same math professor from the last quarter, so I'm a little happy that at least one of the classes I'm taking will still feel like routine. He is Russian and speaks in a very thick accent unintelligible to many of my classmates, but I still found it a little understandable - at least more understandable than his handwriting. He would begin every sentence with "Okay," and then mumble on and on about parametric equations conversion in that stocky accent of his. To tell the truth, his lessons were always difficult to understand, because although people could understand what he was saying, no one ever knew what he was explaining about, and whether we actually needed to know these things.

Physics is the only class I'm worried about this quarter. Our professor is rumored to be the toughest Physics lecturer on campus. Seeing that his last name is also Newton, I don't doubt it. He is a tall, white man who lectures without his shoes, and is very critical about students who asks questions during lecture. My first impression of him wasn't very good; he gave off this assholish vibe when he talked. He would say things like "If you thought this was correct, you are not prepared for this class." or "You should be able to answer this question in three seconds otherwise you're an idiot."

Gradually I've come to accept his harsh teaching style. Every lesson he would do or say something that made the class erupt in laughter. There were always students who rebutted whenever he said something that was incorrect in the physics sense but acceptable in the molecular Chemistry sense, and then he would give the student a half-admonishing stare that made the class giggle, and turned around to resume lecture with an almost grandfatherly-smile. Students would answer his rhetorical questions so often that he had to say "-don't answer, I'll tell you." after every question he posed.

My Physics lab lecturer is the same lecturer I had for my prep physics class two quarters ago, the same one who told me I would do very well if I continued working hard (you can refer back to my mid-December log where I mentioned this) but I doubt he remembers me. I've never really enjoyed Physics lab. Chemistry lab was nice, because every lab was just individual work with all the steps laid out on a piece of paper for you to follow, and when you started work you just entered this zen-like mode. Physics lab is nothing like that. It's always group work, which can get messy with ambiguous work distribution, and there was never clear instructions on what to do.

I just can't wait to get used to routine again.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

7th April 2018

Saturday.

I've just been thinking.

It's funny. When we are busy with our obligations, we often think about the other fun, self-fulfilling things we could be doing if we weren't busy. That was me for the entire Winter quarter from January to March. But the moment Spring break rolled around and I was finally able to do what I want to, I do nothing. Except watch Persona 5 gameplay on Twitch.

Sometimes I think about what my friends could be doing for Spring break. I know Kei is probably hanging around his white girlfriend, and Louise is probably hanging out with her secondary schoolmates who are all studying in the Bay Area. The other Malaysians who are in relationships are probably hanging around their partners, and those who aren't probably have friends to hang out with after being here for two years. Kelly is in Colorado, but I still need friends that aren't Kelly.

I decided to hang out at Habreen's place. She's the Singaporean girl who was in my Chemistry class. Her apartment that she shares with 5 people was just down the street from my college, so I decided to walk there. Her apartment was just as messy as I remembered, but staying in an apartment means having friends around to hang out with all the time.

View from outside her apartment

Entrance of the apartment building

On the way to her apartment

We had cake




She has another Singaporean friend, Ava, who was there sleeping over. They all know Kei, and have this tendency to gossip about people like him, but that's another story for another day. Ava asked if we wanted to meditate with her. I was intrigued, but Habreen and I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower instead.

I asked Habreen if she has checked her grades for Winter quarter, because it was out. She cussed and said she got Bs and Cs for all of her subjects.

"What about you?" she asked. I shrugged. I didn't check. I feel like I don't really have to know, and could probably go my whole life never knowing and be okay. Ignorance is a bliss, after all. However, I did check later. I got all As except an A- for math, which makes me think if two of my professors went easy on us. 

Alex came over to the apartment later. Ava lives in the unit below Habreen's, and her roommate was having a surprise party that night which they were all going to. Alex is their guy friend whom they hang around with all the time. He sometimes sleeps over at Habreen's place too, with Ava. We talked about him wanting me to teach him piano for the Spring quarter, and agreed to start lessons in the second week after he had acquired the keys to the piano room in college.

At 7pm, I left the apartment as much as I would like to join the party. It just felt weird attending the birthday party of a person I don't even know even though it was open invitation. Plus, Ava kept talking about some Taiwanese guys she didn't like that were going to be there. I went to Target to get some things, and then to Panera bread to get salad for my dinner. 

Spring quarter starts in two days.








3rd April 2018

I feel like I needed to get out of the house before I start feeling like a shut-in. I needed sunlight and fresh air. All I've been doing so far is watching Murderofbirds on Twitch stream Persona 5 gameplay.

I got out of the house and headed to 85 degree bakery. I cut through the same park nearby and residential houses to get there. It's like a shortcut. I prefer this route because there were less card driving by the route so I didn't feel so exposed.

Got there around 6pm.

Walking there


I ordered mango slush, milk toast, and some chocolate cream bread. Decided to just treat this as my dinner.


At the cafe, enjoying my food.

I feel like I'm selling my soul to the cafe.

After that I walked back to the park. It was freezing, but I didn't feel like going home yet. It would feel like I wasn't utilizing my time outside enough. I hung around the park until the sky turned dark, finishing my mango slush. I sat on this giant rock next to the playground set. When I first saw it I thought it was an odd and dangerous thing to be put in a children's playground, but I believe it's supposed to be a climbing structure. I sat on it and pretended I was sitting in front of a waterfall in a peaceful grassland, getting in touch with my zen. Except I was texting.

It was fun though.


2nd April 2018

Monday.

Today was my landlord's birthday. Her kids in the east coast sent her a fruit basket so she invited a friend and her two young sons over to share.

I have known these two boys prior but somehow keep forgetting to mention them. The older one is ten and the younger one is six. I first met them earlier this year when my landlord's son was home for winter break and we played some kind of board game with the ten-year-old (my landlord was supposed to "babysit" him). I have since seen them for a couple more times. 

For some reason they really like me. The younger one keeps asking me for Hi-chew candy (I previously let him and his brother have the whole tube of a flavour I didn't like). I let them have my leftover Oreos from the Oreo cheesecake. My landlord made me have some of the fruits even though I felt undeserving. Once again, I ate a pineapple. I hated pineapples. Weirdly, American pineapple don't taste as bad.

They wanted to play hide and seek while the adults talked, so I obliged. I found both of them within 5 seconds of me seeking. The six-year-old and I hid in my housemate's room until the other brother gave up (sorry housemate). The ten year old and I hid in the bathtub until the younger brother gave up.

Glad to know they had fun.

Since hanging out with Kelly last Friday, I haven't done anything productive or went anywhere. I thought I could maybe take my written driving test so I can practice driving but my test is scheduled in May. Easy to assume this Spring break won't go as well as planned.

Faces are blurred for confidentiality.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

30th March 2018

Friday.

Kelly comes over again. We've really been hanging out a lot lately. She wanted to come over to play my Ukulele, make Oreo cheesecake and play basketball at the park. At 10am we headed off to Target to buy some ingredients for the cake and then took a bus to Marukai to get her lunch and creme puffs (again but I am not complaining).

We made the cheesecake after lunch. Went to the park to shoot some hoops. For dinner, Kelly's uncle brought us out for baby back ribs and hot wings.

Pinap boxers at Target

Finished product


Park


Dinner

29th March 2018

Thursday.

Kelly and I went to Valley Fair mall and Santana Row. Bought some stuff, ate quite a bit, window shopped, and watched Black Panther. Movie was good but I felt it didn't tie up some loose ends.

It felt so great to be walking around Santana Row at 9.30am with not much people around. I really needed the opportunity to get out and explore. Kelly bought some nail polish and a marble phone case. We also got matching hair bands to celebrate finishing finals. I got Jamba Juice.

Santana Row

We found this booth in the Valleyfair mall that sells beautiful wooden phone cases. I'm definitely coming back here in the future to snag one myself.



We walked into this amazing paper store called Paper Source and they sell all the high end paper stuff. Aesthetic.

Pinap

Lunch at a food court

After Black Panther, we walked to Cheesecake Factory to buy some Cheesecake. They have such delicious cakes. Kelly's uncle picked us up for dinner at this Chinese noodle place that offers free vanilla ice cream cone.

This is what bliss looks like


28th March 2018

Finals week. Let's say none of my papers went smoothly. So we don't talk about that.

Wednesday. I was officially done at 10am. To celebrate (or mourn, really), I took a bus to Marukai to buy some sushi and poke bowl, along with some Japanese food stuff. Stopped by Papa Beards' to have chocolate creme puff. Day well spent.

Creme puff on the left, dinner on the right.


23rd March 2018

Library


Some night pictures:

Where I park my bike

A couple mallards just sitting in the grass. NBD


And they waddled away, waddle waddle

14th March 2018

Did some interesting experiments this week. Also the cat came.

Experiment on net torque

Light spectrum of hydrogen

Light spectrum of Krypton.

Cat

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